When every piece of you is pulling a different way
What do you really want…
It seems like i’ve lost all contact with who I am or was, highschool ended and things changed. The friends I grew up with moved or went off to college, as I knew they would. I stayed in the same place however, I had aspirations of school and travel but I wasn’t ready for them right away. I still wanted to play. It seems when you play though, the things you want to be and aren’t come out. Partying was something I was never allowed to do in highschool so I felt I missed out on a large portion of being a teenager. Missed out on the excitement and was in bed well before anybody I knew my age was. Also due to my lack of social exploitation I had very few friends in highschool, which at the time I always considered a misfortune for I always desired the life where everyone smiles your way when they see you. Even if it’s pretend, you can always see through the kidders. What I realise now that i’ve experienced all that after highschool is I no longer trust a soul, the friends i’ve made are either a slave to their own demon they’re fighting or just hang out with me because we have a symbiotic relationship when it comes to smoking weed or drinking. When you cut those parts of your life out you realise nobody is there anymore. They forget about you and move on. As they should. Why slow down on what their doing when they’re having so much “fun.” Worse even is when you first realise your solitude in friendship. You know that the effort is up to you and if you quit making it your social desires will go unhindered and you’ll fall into that pit everyone hates called loneliness. You realise you either take the unhealthy lifestyle and remain happy for the moment or say goodbye and start from scratch. Beginnings are always scary though and endings are hard. I realise at this point I miss my friends who didn’t care whether I smoked weed or drank. We hung out because we genuinely enjoyed each other and complimented each others pressence. Cutting ties to those relationships as we parted ways after highschool makes it hard to rekindle what was. We all could very well be different people now, more disheartening is they could be happier in their new life then their old one that I was a part of. So where do I go now? I could spin the bottle or roll the dice or flip a coin and be miles further at making a decision then if I just rely on myself to come up with the answer. A true procrastinator at heart, iv always been. I guess the best answer I can give myself for the moment is to hold faith, read more and stay true to what my gut is telling me. Go out less, quit everything that put’s me in negative positions and if those friends call you to come out for something simple like dinner or movies, then go. You are not obligated to drink during this dinner, or get baked before those movies. The choice is always yours. You make your own path, choose your own life. Real friends will accept that and love you, aquaintances will move on & that’s just the facts of life. Never hold somebodys decision against them for it is all their own. Even if you feel like it was the wrong one. Worry about yourself, look after yourself, love yourself. Only you honestly will in the end. If by chance you do find somebody who wants to love you more then you love yourself and you feel the same. Do all you can to show it, those who love us most are sometimes those who remain in our life for the shortest time. Cherish those memories. Treat them well, life has a funny way of biting you in the butt if you don’t. Breathe, live, laugh & lovee. The stresses of today are proof that what you value isin’t worth it, if it was, you’d be happy.
